What is Grief Shame ?
Grief is a universally human experience. We all brave loss and the feelings that come with it at some point in our lives. Although grief is often thought of as the feeling state directly related to the death or loss of a person close to us, it can also be experienced after,
- a friendship or romantic breakup,
- the end of a significant chapter in our lives,
a loss of identity or part of the self, - the loss of something that was special to us or defined us in some way, like a career or a “purpose”, or
- the death of a pet
Grief is a normal emotional reaction and it is often necessary to process and move through, in your own way, in order to heal from it. Grief can be a testament to the bond we shared with the lost individual, or it can be an ode to the part of ourselves that we cherish despite its disappearance.
While the concept of grief is a mainstay in our culture, a frequently overlooked aspect is the accompanying emotion of shame. In the context of grief, shame can manifest when we feel judged or when we judge ourselves for our feelings and our reactions associated with loss.
Defining Grief Shame: Causes, Symptoms, and Effects
Grief shame arises when a person feels ashamed of her own grief response such that the grief isn’t able to be managed or processed properly. Some common causes include
- perceived societal expectations about “acceptable” ways to grieve
- fear of burdening others
- self-judgment about the pace and intensity of the grief
- Comparing your grief experience to others’ experiences, particularly in the era of social media where feeds often display life as an endless stream of positive moments
Symptoms of grief shame can range from a reluctance to talk about your grief or the loss, hiding emotional pain, or attempting to minimize or rush through the grieving process.
The effects of grief shame are pervasive and can often be a sign of, or lead to, what is called “complicated grief”, which can extend the length and intensity of the grieving process. Complicated grief can often result in depression.
Navigating Grief Shame: Strategies for Self-Compassion and Acceptance
Overcoming grief shame involves cultivating a kinder relationship with yourself and your expression of grief, and learning to accept grief as a natural response to loss of many kinds. A first step in this process is to reduce judgment about what your grief looks like; everyone grieves differently, and there’s no “correct” way to feel and express grief.
The following thought exercise may help you cultivate self-compassion rather than judgment around this issue:
Imagine a very young child recently experienced a profound loss. He is struggling to grapple with the reality, and is expressing his grief in a similar way to you in your own experience of loss. Picture what this looks like for the child- really imagine and observe it in your mind’s eye. How is the child feeling inside? How is he acting? What might you say to this child? Would you punish or mock him for the way he’s trying to manage his pain? Would you metaphorically ‘kick him when he’s down’? Very likely not, as that would be cruel and unhelpful! Let your empathy lead and determine how this child might need to be treated during this time. Then remember, you are that child and the adult alike in your own life. How do you need to be treated right now? What would be cruel and unhelpful? Identifying this, changing your self talk, and softening your heart towards yourself is key here.
Kindness allows you to enter into a space where you can listen to, understand, and process your grief rather than keeping it at arm’s length. All feelings, including grief, want to have the chance to be revealed and processed.
You can take a meditative stance to being with your grief, such as noticing how the grief shows up in your mind and in your body. The goal here is to notice the sensations associated with the feeling without judgment, but with curiosity.
Become aware of how the grief might shift and change over time as you sit with it. Can you relate to the mental and physical sensations of the feeling rather than run from them?
An equally important part of handling emotions in general, and grief in particular, is knowing when you need to take a break from the feeling by doing something else. This “something else” can be different for everyone and even different for the same person at various points in time.
It is useful to tune inward and ask yourself what you might need. Do you need to be distracted, to have the opposite feeling of grief (like a lightheartedness), to be nourished in some way, to feel connected to others? It’s important to determine what works for you and how it does so.
If you want to give yourself the opposite feeling, something enlivening and energizing, then try an activity that will bring this to you. Maybe you need to feel the opposite of heavy- but light and silly- so you might try watching or reading something funny or playful. You might give yourself time to connect to and be with trusted others rather than being alone.
Regulating your feelings isn’t a science, but a balancing act. It means bravely entering the emotional landscape and feeling your feelings, balanced by giving yourself a break from this process and disconnecting from it while giving yourself a different experience.
Healing from Grief Shame: Embracing Vulnerability and Seeking Support
Healing from grief shame often means embracing vulnerability, which isn’t always easy. Once you’ve accepted your feelings, sharing them with trusted friends or family can foster connection and help reduce feelings of shame. Still, it can be hard to navigate through grief, and sometimes we need help understanding and moving through it.
Therapy for grief not only provides a safe and trusted space to process these feelings, but helps you get unstuck and relate to the experience in a new way. In therapy, your grief should be approached with tenderness and curiosity rather than judgment and fear.
You might be encouraged to explore the emotions themselves, as well as the barriers to feeling these feelings, so that you can shift your relationship to them. When dealing with grief shame, it is important to lessen the harshness with which you view your grief; a therapist can help you understand the way you handle your feelings and help you devise healthier strategies to manage them.
Your grief doesn’t have to linger under the surface, nor does it have to completely own and derail you. It can be acknowledged, felt, managed and even transformed so that you might one day view your loss as meaningful by honoring what the person, being, experience, etc. meant to you and what it might mean about where you’re going next.
Book an Appointment with One of Our Grief Specialists
If you’re dealing with grief shame, you are not alone and help is available. Our team of experienced grief specialists are here to support you through this challenging time.
Whether you’re in the early stages of grief or dealing with long-term feelings of loss, we can provide a compassionate, nonjudgmental space for you to explore your feelings, work through your grief, and move towards healing. Reach out today to book an appointment, and let us help you navigate this journey in a way that feels right for you.
Author:
Marni Russo, Psy.D.
As the Director of Operations at Madison Park Psychological Services I help to manage and organize the practice. This includes coordinating systems, streamlining and regulating administrative and clinical procedures, developing programs, and managing personnel. Additionally I conduct initial consultations with prospective clients to understand and determine current therapeutic needs and to match them with therapists in our practice.
Marni Russo, Psy.D.
As the Director of Operations at Madison Park Psychological Services I help to manage and organize the practice. This includes coordinating systems, streamlining and regulating administrative and clinical procedures, developing programs, and managing personnel. Additionally I conduct initial consultations with prospective clients to understand and determine current therapeutic needs and to match them with therapists in our practice.
